


King Goku

by AzureAceStarburst7



Category: Dragon Ball, Dragon Ball Super, Dragon Ball Z, Dragonball Super, Dragonball Z
Genre: Other, Super Saiyan, Super Saiyan God
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-08
Updated: 2018-02-19
Packaged: 2019-03-15 12:49:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13613712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AzureAceStarburst7/pseuds/AzureAceStarburst7
Summary: While training for the arrival of the Saiyans, Goku tells Krillin he wishes he could be there for his son's "Scholar Training", and decides to gather the Dragon Balls and wish to know everything he wants to know.This changes things.Goku becomes a smarter man, and when he defeats Vegeta in battle his claim to the throne is taken by Right of Conquest. And on Namek, he wishes the Saiyans back with pure hearts when he gets the chance, right after casually killing Vegeta on the spot so it'll also affect him, becoming the ruler of a New Saiyan Kingdom.And then Beerus wakes up early, Cell is made with cells from gods and multiple Saiyans, an ambitious underling sets her sights on another universe, The Time Patrol tries to get involved, and things escalate from there. Not your typical AU, and not your typical "Not your typical AU" either.





	1. A Thought

It all began with a thought, and souls crueller than his own might suggest it was the first one he'd ever had.

“Hey, Krillin,” Goku asked the miniature human as he leaned to avoid a punch from him like it was nothing, not bothering to counter because he wanted to talk, and he could easily dodge anyway. Hooray for late-night training on a dark mountain hill in the middle of nowhere! Perfect for training for the two Saiyans bound to arrive next week. “Why do you think Chichi never asks for my help?”

“With what?” Krillin asked, flying forward and dealing a flurry of blows Goku dodged again.

“With training Gohan. Chichi wants him to go to some fancy school in the city, but we went to the Turtle school and we turned out great. And I remember everything Master Roshi taught us.”

Krillin was only surprised for a second. “They're different kinds of schools, Goku.” Krillin explained patiently, and he stopped attacking.

“Yeah, boring ones. But they still have training sessions. They just called it 'Physical Education'. And it looked really lame. No weights, no flying, not even any bees. They were just running laps! Those teachers can't be that good if their kids can't even fly.”

“They didn't train at their boring schools to learn to fly, Goku. They trained at those schools to learn how to teach stuff and be good teachers for kids.”

“Do you think I could try that training?” Goku asked. He really wanted to be there for his son, and the last thing he wanted was for him to end up studying some lame teacher that'd teach him how to fight wrong. Like whoever taught Tien and Chao Tsu. Their crane school sucked, and their Flight gimmick was a lot lamer when EVERYONE could fly.

Krillin laughed. “No way! It takes years of training, and there's so much stuff you have to remember... It'd take decades for you to learn everything in time for Gohan's birthday.”

“Yeah... Or I could wish for it!”

Krillin paused. “What?”

“I could get the Dragon Balls and wish to know everything! ...Wait, none of our friends are dead right now, right?”

“Well, not right NOW, but who knows what we might happen when those Saiyans get-”

Goku smiled, and then he flew away, a blazing flare of blue vanishing in the distance.

Krillin wondered what a smart Goku would be like, imagining a Goku with a labcoat in Bulma's basement, Bulma herself as his comparatively ditzy assistant now. Goku had a stupid british accent and he talked like a James Bond villain trying to impress James Bond and other James Bond villains at the same time. Then he remembered that scene from that movie where that one evil woman asked the wish-granting aliens to give her 'all' the knowledge. Her head exploded.

His eyes widened in horror.

He couldn't let that happen to Goku!

He reached out with his ki to sense Goku's energy. Finding it, he flew off and chased after the much faster, stronger, all-around better Goku, but with him racing away at top speed, Krillin couldn't catch up. He couldn't even get within “Yell “Slow down”” distance.

The only time he even gained a little ground on Goku was when he stopped at Bulma's place to grab the Dragon Radar.

It was a merry world tour across nine continents, and it lasted a few minutes of constant flying, but by the time he eventually caught up with the blue-cloaked orange blur, he'd already gathered all seven Dragon Balls and summoned the dragon, Shenron.

 **“Goku!”** Krillin screeched, **”Don't wish to learn everything ever!”**

“Ok.” Goku shrugged, and turned to the dragon. ”I wish... to know everything I want to know!”

“Your wish has been granted.” The Dragon said, firing a benevolent golden magic beam at Goku's face, penetrating through his skin and skull and infusing his brain with knowledge and power.

Goku blinked for a few times, and faint white lights were now visible in his solid-blue eyes. The black pupils widened for a moment, and then returned to normal.

“At least his head didn't become huge...” Krillin muttered.

Goku looked around, as if seeing the world for the first time. Then, he looked at his own hands, clenching and unclenching them.

“Goku?” Krillin asked nervously. “Are you alright, buddy?”

“Krillin... Have you ever just... looked at stuff? This world is amazing!” Goku said, overjoyed.

Krillin only became more nervous. He wasn't british, sure, but he still sounded a little weird to his ears. “What do you mean, buddy?”

“Look, over there!” Goku pointed, seemingly in a random direction. “Look at her! I know everything about her! And him!”, He said, moving his arm a little to the right. “And I know their friends and family and what they're doing tonight and the next night and the next night and- Ew. It keeps getting weirder.”

He turned around and looked at different invisible people Krillin was unable to see, different far-off people beyond visual and ki-sensing range he still just knew about anyway, because the information running through his head was too amazing to get down about. “Look at him!” He said, pointing at nothing. “He's trying to fix his car! But he doesn't know he's supposed to fix the intake valve to get the flux capacitor to do the spinning thing to the Flightsphere!”

“The spinning thing?” Krillin asked. He had a vague idea of how flying cars worked, but who called a car's revolving engine 'a spinning thing'?

“Yeah, the flux capacitor sucks in and messes with the wavelength of energy it gets from the fission battery, and it makes the Flightsphere spin, so it'll make the car fly!”

“That's... right.” Krillin said in confused surprise.

This was weird... It was like a kid describing things he suddenly knew everything about, but didn't have the words to describe.

“And way over there!” Goku said, pointing at the sky. “That's Vegeta Vegeta of Planet Vegeta, one of the two saiyans flying to earth! He's pooping in his pod's space toilet now. It's a long white tube in the walls of his pod, and it uses a vacuum seal to fire all the poop into space, and-”

“Vegeta Vegeta?” Krillin asked, not wanting to hear the specifics of the space toilet's functions.

“I know!” Goku laughed. “That's such a silly name.”

“So can I go now, or do you have a second wish?” Shenron asked.

“I wish for the ability to grant wishes like you, at will, without needing to wait any time between wishes.” Goku decided.

Krillin was shocked. How did none of them ever think of that? Forget being the Senzu Bean guy, he could be the Immortality-Granting Revival and Healer guy!

“That is beyond my power.” Shenron said sadly.

“Aw, fiddlesticks.” Goku said. “I guess I'll just wish for Immortality, then.”

“HUH?!” Krillin gasped.

 **“HUH??!!”** King Kai gasped harder, since he was watching the whole thing.

“Vegeta and Nappa can't wish for immortality if I already have it!” Goku said with a big grin, as if that was the best idea he'd ever had. “And imagine how many awesome fights I can get into if I live forever! And I'll be able to be there when Gohan grows up and has kids, and grandkids, and great-grandkids, and-”

“Wait, hold on, Goku-” King Kai began.

“Your wish has been granted.” Shenron said, and Goku suddenly felt... relieved? It was weird... as if some far-off instinctive part of unconscious- no, his subconscious brain, had always feared death a little. His self-preservation instincts, they were called, he realized. But now, it was completely calm. But apart from that, he didn't feel any stronger. He fired some high-power ki blasts into the air and had them collide with each other to explode above him, and was shocked to realize his own energy hadn't been depleted at all.

“Nice!” Goku said. “Now I can fight a ton of powerful fighters in a row! No breaks, for anything! ...Except maybe food breaks.”

He didn't think that this would make fights cheaper and less satisfying, he realized, because that was a dumb thought. Getting exhausted during a fight was no fun, and now, he could have way more fights and fight each fighter at his best!

“Hey, is his head going to explode if he learns too much stuff?” Krillin asked Shenron.

“No, his mind will adapt.” Shenron said.

“Will his head get bigger?” Krillin asked, imagining a big-headed Goku.

“No, for that is stupid.” Shenron said.

Goku laughed. “Hey, Shenron, can I wish for a higher power level?”

“I can only raise it in increments of 10,000. Are you sure that's what you want to use your third wish on?”

“Wait, can't you make Gohan immortal instead?” Krillin asked.

“Gohan is a boy. If I made him immortal now, he would remain this age forever.” Shenron explained.

“I don't want that...” Goku said, suddenly knowing there was someone two countries to the west of here who had a boy who was 40 but looked 12 because of weird gene science stuff he understood but also couldn't understand at all. He also knew those two people were super sad. He didn't want Gohan to be sad. Chichi might not like it either, she wanted him to grow up and be a “Scholar”, which...

Goku's jaw dropped. He suddenly knew exactly what that was! He needed to have a serious talk with Chichi. It didn't HAVE to be incompatible with fighting training, but she wanted it to be, and that just wasn't good for a Saiyan boy.

“Ok, Shenron, raise my power level by 10,000.” Goku decided.

“Your wish has been granted.” Shenron said, granting Goku's wish. Goku flexed and yelled and a corona of new energy surrounded him, and Shenron faded away. His balls flew off in different directions, and it looked awesome.

 


	2. A Lightshow

 

Goku was there. Krillin, and the others, were there. Gohan was there, in these abandoned mountains.

But most importantly (for now), Nappa and Vegeta were there.

“You can't stop me, Kakkarot.” Vegeta said. “I WILL have immortality. I WILL destroy you. And I WILL destroy this planet!”

“Not if I have anything to say about it!” Goku yelled, flying at Vetega. Nappa blindsided him with a brutal shoulder tackle, knocking the wind out of Goku. The Saiyan-from-earth charged his ki into two crimson balls in his hands, and rapidly fired them at the buff shirtless Saiyan. “Double Sunday!”

“Ha, you think Raditz's weak attack can save-” Nappa boasted, and then he was hit by the beams, which drilled thin through his body, one through his spine and one through the side of his body. “FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu...”

He collapsed, and Goku turned to a surprised Vegeta. “He'll bleed out pretty soon, and he can't move. He can't save himself, or hurt anyone for you.”

“Woah...” Krillin gasped. That seemed unusually hardcore for Goku. Sure, he killed the fuck out of some Red Ribbon Army people without a second thought when he was a kid, but he thought the Saiyan had grown out of that. And to make this creepier, Goku still seemed like his old self. A bit pissed, sure, but he'd seen Goku angrier than this.

”If you don't want your friend to die, I suggest you take him to a hospital... on your planet.” ”Or, if you surrender peacefully, we can heal-”

Vegeta ki-blasted Nappa's head off bloodily, shocking Goku.

“What an asshole!” Krillin commented. “Destroying his own friend just for- Where'd Goku go?”

Goku was behind Vegeta, kicking him and sending him flying. Goku flew at him through the air and kept on punching and kicking the shit out of him. It was a one-sided beatdown that would be far more interesting to read about if this world's fight mechanics weren't set up to prevent interesting and unique fights. Come on, everyone in this damn setting fights the same way with the same moves, just with different names. And ki makes all the punches feel weightless and pointless, like everyone's just a set of action figures some kid is picking up, posing, and smacking into each other. I understand that these fights were made before mankind invented good fights, and they did great things for the medium as a whole, so I can respect it for that...

Moving on...

Vegeta got a lucky punch in on Goku's face, right over the eye, stunning him enough to punch Goku in the crotch, which gave Vegeta the chance to axe-kick the bent-over Goku down into the ground.

“You may have caught me off guard, Kakarot, but I'm still stronger than you!” Vegeta said.

“Not for long!” Goku yelled, still cradling his Dragon Balls.

“Fool.” Vegeta said, flying forwards, ready to punch Goku in the face.

Goku didn't need to look up to know it was coming, and he swung his fist up just in time to catch Vegeta in the chin, sending him sprawling. If he was a human, he would be knocked out. Stupid reinforced Saiyan skulls and stupid tougher Saiyan brains.

The orange-clad fighter decided now, while Vegeta was getting up, was the perfect chance to show off his neat trick. “Kaioken! Kaioken x4!” Goku yelled, blazing red divine ki burning around him.

Vegeta could only look on in confusion as Goku flexed harder.

“What are you doing, Kakarot?” Vegeta asked as his scouter beeped, told him the man's power level was impossibly high, and exploded. If he didn't have ki, his eye would have been scratched up by that glass, he realized.

“Goku, stop!” King Kai yelled into Goku's brain. “You'll explo- Oh wait. You can't explode, since you're immortal. Go ahead, then.”

“You got it, King Kai! Kaioken x400!” Was Goku's answer. That, and the absolutely colossal column of blazing crimson ki around him, illuminating the sky, visible from everywhere on this half-and-a-bit of the hemisphere. On other planets, in other galaxies, this incredible corona of energy could be seen and sensed. Even by mere humans with no ki, they could feel it, and practically taste it.

Speaking of taste...

Goku's ki, Krillin realized with a little confusion, tasted like some really well-roasted horse meat. He'd only ever eaten it once before at some garbage diner trying to pass it off as beef, but he was sure if that garbage had tasted as great as this guy's ki, he'd have eaten way more.

“What... What is this power?!” Vegeta gasped in horror, and a little disgust. “What are you?!”

“I am Goku, a Saiyan of Earth! And I issue to you, as is my right as a Low-Class Citizen of the Saiyan Empire, a formal challenge! If I defeat you in a trial by combat, you will hand your claim to the throne over to me, and I will rule all Saiyans! My first decree will be to order you off my planet! ...Ok, this planet! My SECOND decree will be to claim this planet as my own.”

“Give up... my princehood?”

“Technically kinghood, since Freeza killed your dad.”

Vegeta laughed. “You thought your little illusion technique could intimidate ME?! I'll have you know, you aren't dealing with the average Saiyan warrior. I AM A SUPER-”

Goku calmly walked up to him as time slowed down, and he slapped the spiky-haired prince's face, once. This was enough to deplete his ki and shatter his skull, spine, and everything else that was solid above the waist within his body. Only the organs were spared, because the last shreds of Vegeta's ki rightfully considered them most important of all.

“Oh.” Goku said, in shock, as he immediately knew exactly how much damage he'd done to the spiky-haired fuck. “Oops.”

Vegeta, still awake and with a functioning brain, tried to swear at Goku with a liquefied jaw. It sounded awful, and Goku quickly flew off to grab a Senzu bean and force it down the blue-clad fighter's throat.

Fully healed, Vegeta stood up and angrily glared up at Goku. “It seems you were stronger than I was lead to believe- What was in that bean?”

“It's a Senzu bean! It healed you completely. So you can see how much stronger I am. See, this is Kaioken x400. THIS is Kaioken x160,000!” Goku said, flexing harder and growing more powerful and glowy.

His corona of glowing energy terrified and confused life forms across his side of the galaxy, and many specieses began to worship The Red Glare as their new deity.

“THIS is Kaioken x25,600,000,000!” Goku said, flexing harder and growing more powerful and glowy.

The raw force of his might was enough to shock life forms across the whole galaxy, and The Red Glare became the most rapidly-glowing religion in the North, South, East, and West Galaxies.

“AND THIS! IS TO GO EVEN! FURTHER! BEYOND! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-” Goku began.

“GOKU STOP!” King Kai screamed in his mind.

“What is it, King Kai?”

“DON'T GO ANY FURTHER! QUICK, POWER DOWN, BEFORE-

“What the me is that?” Beerus asked, waking up early.

“...Fuck it, nevermind. Knock yourself out, Goku.”

“Alright! Hey, Vegeta! Are you ready to see Kaioken x655,360,000,000,000,000,000?”

“Not... particularly.” Vegeta said quietly, feeling even more small now than he once did that time he saw Nappa in the shower.

“KAIOKEN-” Goku yelled.

Then was punched in the balls by Vegeta, who as the punch's all-or-nothing force broke his hand and arm.

Vegeta screamed, and Goku didn't feel a thing.

“Wow, imagine what that would have done if Goku was... you know.” Krillin said suggestively to Piccolo.

“If he was what?” Piccolo asked.

“You know, 'Ready for action'?” Krillin said, waggling his bald head.

“What are you talking about?” Piccolo asked in confusion.

“Oh, uh... nevermind.” Krillin said, remembering that Namekians didn't have those, and didn't understand the significance of a crotch shot at all. And that was the only screentime Piccolo would ever get in this entire fic, at least until the author could think of a way to make him relevant. One that didn't involve fusion, which had been forever ruined.

“So, Vegeta?” Goku asked cheerfully. “Are you ready to give up now?”

Vegeta swung a leg at Goku and kicked him, shattering his own leg. Vegeta kicked his other leg at Goku, breaking that one, too. Vegeta flew up and spun around, jabbing his fingers into Goku's eyes, breaking them. Goku poked his arm with a playful high-pitched “Boop!” sound from his mouth, and the whole thing fucking exploded outwards, taking the last of his ki with it. He could have sworn this prick's power level was only rising, even now.

“Ok... fine... I surrender.”Vegeta said, sinking to the ground and collapsing. “On the condition that you... kill Freeza... for eliminating our planet, and the Saiyan race I hereby crown you as... king of.”

“It's a deal! And don't worry, you can still be Prince Vegeta, I'll just be King.” Goku said happily. He didn't know who this Freeza guy was- And now, he suddenly did. Wow, what an evil guy! He definitely had to kick this guy's butt.

“But we aren't...” Blood-related, Vegeta was about to say, but even with his failing warrior's pride screaming at him to go down swinging and disgrace his race further, he could recognize a bone when the universe threw one to him. “Fuck it, you're King Goku.”

“Woohoo!” Goku cheered. “I'm King Goku!”

“That's great, Goku! Now kill Vegeta, for killing all those people he killed when he got here!” Krillin cried.

“Nah.” Goku shrugged.

“WHAT?! Goku, our Dragon Balls won't be recharged for-”

Piccolo got a telepathic message from King Kai. And another, and many more. “We have stronger Dragon Balls on my home planet.” He noted. “Also, I'm an alien, my father was the evil half of the being Kami was the good half of, and our species invented the Dragon Balls.”

“Bitchin'!” Krillin cheered.

 


	3. A Punch

After a buttload of space travelling and some pointless filler, during which Goku trained insanely within his personal gravity chamber room of the ship at the same time Master Roshi and all the other now-irrelevant characters stalled the fuck out of Beerus and Whis on earth, Goku and his friends finally got to Namek, where King Goku killed the fuck out of some Freeza soldiers. Another Senzu bean healed the fuck out of Vegeta, so he could join his King in killing the fuck out of Freeza soldiers. The blue-clad fighter took unusual joy in blindsiding and killing the fuck out of Guldo, the only Ginyu Force member that could help create interesting fight scenes. Which reminds me, if the blue one is supposed to be the fast one and the red one with white spikes is supposed to be the strong one (Real original there, guys), then why do the two guys move around and fly around in perfect synchronicity, while dealing the same amount of force with their blows and energy blasts? Anyway, have I said fuck enough times yet? Because this is a cool adult fic for grown-ups only. Nothing says adult like putting words like fuck into the eastern equivalent of a saturday morning cartoon. What am I doing with my life? I should be writing that Jojo fic instead. At least I have good ideas for that. Ideas, plural, I've only got one good idea here in this fic and you'll see it soon enough.

Anyway, the action. Goku and Vegeta, but mostly Goku, killed the fuck out of all the Freeza force members on the ship – even Appule, fuck that guy – and soon enough, with the help of the Dragon Radar Goku forgot he'd been carrying in his pocket the whole time, they'd gathered all the big-ass Namekian Dragon Balls. Dende, who Krillin had affectionately named Little Green, helped them summon the dragon and make wishes.

“I WISH FOR IMMORT-” Vegeta started to bark.

Goku put one hand to Vegeta's face and fired a one-handed Kamehameha at it, rapidly eroding its ki away over the tiny fraction of a second that ki lasted before he smashed the head open like a watermelon.

“What the hell?” Piccolo gasped, taken aback.

“REVENGE!” Krillin cheered gleefully.

“For my first wish, I wish for the whole Saiyan species to be revived, with pure hearts!” Goku declared.

“Your wish is my command.” The big Dragon said in dragonese or whatever.

“-ALITY!” Vegeta yelled, fully restored. “...WHAT THE FRICK?”

Vegeta gasped.

Krillin tried not to laugh.

“WHAT THE FRICK DID YOU DO TO ME, YOU GUM-CHEWING MOTHER-FATHER?!” Vegeta yelled louder.

Krillin belted out high-pitched laughter.

Vegeta grabbed Krillin's shirt, and he screamed. “I WISH FOR IMMORTALITY!” The bald kid cried.

“NO YOU DON'T! DO YOU WANT TO BE SENT INTO THE NEXT DIMENSION, YOU DANG COW-SAVING SKIDSTAIN?!” Vegeta roared, trying really dang hard to sound adult and cool when his purified heart couldn't even swear any more.

Krillin couldn't help it, he laughed harder, even as the chuckling greenskin translated and the Dragon granted the wish.

“YOU MONSTER! YOU DEMON! YOU ABSOLUTE FREAK!” Vegeta yelled in rage, throwing Krillin at the ground, but not too hard, his purified heart couldn't find it within him to really hurt the guy. And that just pissed him off more. “WHAT THE FUDGE IS WRONG WITH YOU?”

“And for my third wish...” Goku said, a bit angry that his infinitely-regenerating always-healthy 300-inch-diameter meat feast pizza would have to wait until next time he had access to Dragon Balls.

“Give me immortality! Now!” Vegeta yelled, grabbing Dende's shirt.

“That isn't very nice.” Dende said smugly.

“You're... right... I... apologize.” Vegeta was furiously forced to say by his new good side. He bit his own tongue, but his ki stopped him from being able to bite it off. “Such behavior is... unbecoming of a... Saiyan Prince.”

“Really? I thought Saiyan royalty would be all about violence.” Krillin commented.

“We are, to those that deserve it. On good days.” Vegeta explained.

“Which is why you work for Freeza.” Krillin snarked.

“I SAID, ON GOOD DAYS!” Vegeta snapped.

“Which you certainly aren't having right now.” Freeza said, killing Krillin by exploding him.

“CURSE YOU, FREEZA! NOW I'M MAD!” Goku yelled, going Super Saiyan.

Krillin got better, snuck up behind Freeza, and made a hundred Destructo Discs and forced the purpleish fuck to dodge each one. When the barrage was over, another one began, and another, until Freeza got unlucky and lost his tail to one. Krillin had a great idea for an attack called The Destructo-Cage, he'd make a bunch of destructo disks and have them turn in midair and stop around the foe after he/she dodged them, to keep the foe trapped by invincible all-cutting energy disks. Then he'd make a huge one and throw that, cutting through his other Destructo Discs and the foe.

“NO, HE'S MINE! MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE mine mine mine mine...” Super Saiyan Goku roared as he punched Freeza out of the destructo disc barrage and punched him to death personally, staying only a little stronger than Freeza and much faster than him to ensure it hurt as much as possible, punching Freeza further and further away.

“Ah, it fills my heart with Saiyan pride to hear him sing the Saiyan battle cry with such fervor and fury.” Vegeta sighed. “Perhaps he won't be such a bad King after all.”

“You're taking this whole 'Purified heart' thing pretty well.” Piccolo noted.

“FRICK YOU, MY RAGE AND PRIDE ARE ALL I HAVE!” Vegeta roared, almost tearfully. “MY PLANET, MY PEOPLE, EVERYTHING ELSE WAS TAKEN FROM ME! I WAS SPARED FOR BEING OFF-WORLD WITH NAPPA AT THE TIME, AND FREEZA SPARED AND PRESS-GANGED ME INTO SERVICE BECAUSE I WAS THE STRONGEST! I HAVE TO BE THE STRONGEST! IT'S ALL THAT I AM, AND THAT'S BEING TAKEN FROM ME, LEAVING ME WITH NOTHING, AGAIN! ”

Krillin decided to take a few steps away from him until the suddenly-pitiable bottle of rage had gotten used to the purified heart thing.

Meanwhile, Goku was having fun punching Freeza and making it hurt. A telepathic message from King Kai made him put Freeza down, literally, grabbing purple neck and shoulder and pulling them apart, then putting the body parts down like toys. He Instant Transmissioned home, immediately knowing that move because a technique that could quickly get him home was something he wanted to know in that moment, and he arrived on earth just in time to punch a Beerus about to destroy the planet into unconsciousness, shocking Whis.

 


	4. A God

Two hours later, Beerus awoke in the mountains of Earth to see a red-velvet-haired Super Saiyan God Goku staring him down, backed up by millions of floating black-haired Saiyans behind him, each of whom had gotten their Potentials Unlocked by Grand Elder Super Uber Kami Bigger Longer and Uncut Guru, a furious Krillin with a white aura and a red-haired Super Saiyan God Vegeta standing on either side of their new King.

And it looked fucking cool.

“Just a sec!” Goku said as he realized something, Instant Transmissioning away.

It no longer looked cool, and he disappeared, causing millions of Saiyans to facepalm.

He went back to Namek, apologized to a very bored Dende and rather pissed big dragon, and he used his third wish for the ability to create Hyperbolic Time Chambers he could move around and grow wherever he wanted, ones that could be programmed with any items and any timescale, with optional limits. When the wish was granted, he returned to Earth, and resumed glaring down at Beerus.

“Finally, a Super Saiyan God... I'm glad I don't need to tell you the legend.” Beerus said.

“What legend? King Goku just ordered us to stand around and hold hands and fill him with ki, then when he had enough ki from all of us, he transformed with this weird energy we can't sense!” An angry Saiyan woman with short Vegetal-like hair spiking downwards and behind her yelled. “Then he transformed again, and again, and then another time! Then he powered down to the red form when you woke up, so you'd recognize it and him! And I don't understand any of this!”

“Who cares, Mom? It made him transform, which was cool!” A small Saiyan boy with Vegeta-like hair that spiked horizontally to the left and right gushed. “And then we all did the same thing with Prince Vegeta and Prince Gohan and tomorrow we're all going to do each other! When we've trained and gotten strong enough. Strongest ones go first, that's only fair.”

“How did all your dead Saiyan friends come back to life?” Beerus wondered. ”I thought your planet was destroyed.”

“Because, Beerus...” Vegeta said with a wicked grin. Finally, he'd get revenge for that damn cat's destruction of his father's pride. That day, he'd sworn to never bow like his father... And now, he finally had the chance to see his race get revenge for this injustice. “You're not dealing with the average Saiyan warrior any more. He... is a Super Saiyan! That's right, Beerus, we've risen beyond the limits of a normal Saiyan, and into the realm of legend! The legend that you fear. The legend, known throughout the universe, as the most powerful warriors to ever exist! I, Prince Vegeta, have become a Super Saiyan God!”

Beerus paused for a moment.

“Hakai!” Beerus yelled, pointing a palm at Vegeta. He began to dematerialize into sparkling purple dust.

“Iakah!” Goku yelled, magically negating and reversing the technique.

“You can do magic now?” Krillin asked, barely even surprised any more.

“Yes.” Goku said, instant transmissioning without needing to touch his head, flicking Beerus into a small Hyperbolic Time Chamber he created right behind the God. Two hours passed for him in the blink of an eye, and a very pissed Beerus was released from the chamber with intent to kill Goku and destroy his world, and everything else in this universe.

Goku detected this, snapped Beerus's neck, and said to Krillin, “Next time we get Dragon Balls, remind me: I need an infinitely-regenerating meat feast pizza with Senzu Beans on top, the ability to create life, the ability to create Dragon Balls of my own if I can't talk the Namekians into making more Namekian kids and fusing so they can make stronger Dragon Ball sets for me, and I need to revive this cat with a pure heart. ...In that order. ...Maybe.”

“His name is Lord Beerus, God of Destruction. Or, it was. Through the Right of Conquest, you have taken his title, his status as a god, all of his divine ki, and his many rights, responsibilities, and capabilities.” Whis said, tapping his stick upon either of Goku's shoulders and granting him the might of a true God of Destruction. His gargantuan ki raised a little bit more, and his level of godly ki raised a lot more, purple energy swirling with his blue and red ki until it began to cascade around him in a rainbow of color, his straightened Super Saiyan hair turning bone-white as a rainbow halo of raw energy formed above his head.

“You aren't mad that I just killed your friend?” Goku asked curiously. He already knew how this conversation would go, but he liked where it could go if he played his cards right.

“Not at all, he was far more trouble than he was worth.” The blue-skinned God said, waving his concerns off while gayly waving his hand.

“Really?” Goku asked curiously.

”While a God of Destruction is needed to prevent the multiverse from shattering apart, and drive forward the progress of all mortals by giving them a goal to desire, and at times, an enemy to loathe, he never took his duties seriously. His abominable, ghastly behavior made all Gods everywhere look bad. He was meant to start some fights, win most, and lose some to ensure people important to the timeline become sufficiently beloved by their people, a duty he always rejected. He was meant to play with the mortal children, not rub his tiny feline testes on their faces for being born without the power he was granted. His childish temper once again got the better of him, and I'm glad he finally got the fight he was looking for, biting off more than he could chew. He was, if I might be so bold... a little bitch!” The blue-skinned fruit said cheerily.

“I'm a little weirded out by it.” Krillin admitted. ”What happened to trying to be merciful?”

“Whenever I think about being merciful, I wonder if I'm doing the right thing by being merciful or not.” Goku explained. “And then... I just sort of know whether it's right or not. I know what'll happen if I do one thing, and another, and another... If I didn't kill Beerus, he would have destroyed this planet and killed everyone on it. And then he'd force me to fight him, and keep fighting him until we start hitting each other with enough force to shatter the universe apart. And if we spared him, he'd have been a total jerk to me and Bulma and everyone else.”

“An accurate guess, I'm sure.” Whis said. “Well, I suppose I shall begin to train you in fully mastering all your godly abilities, rather than just the simple Hakai your predecessor favored.”

“Sounds good!” Goku said, making a basketball-shaped Hyperbolic Time Chamber full of food and shaking it out before him, thousands of plastic-wrapped candies and cakes falling to the ground. “Here, let's eat these as a toast!”

“Oooh!” Whis said, picking one up and unwrapping it as he saw Goku do the same, throwing it into his mouth as he saw Goku do the same. “I get the feeling I'm going to find you FAR more likable than that mangy cat!”

If he was Evil or Manipulative or whatever, that candy probably would have been enchanted with Goku's ki to turn Whis into his slave, or something. Or maybe it's just be Beerus's corpse, turned into candy.

Goku wondered where those weird thoughts were coming from, and why his new ability to know everything he wanted to know was telling him all the evil stuff he could do... but he guessed it was ok to have a brain that had the capacity for evil now, since he still had a pure heart and he still wanted to be a hero.

And he wanted to be a hero. Everyone loved a good hero!

 


	5. A Challenge

Ten days had passed, and Goku wasn't there. Neither was Vegeta, because the camera was inside an apartment building with five black-armored female Saiyans together on two layered bunkbeds, one lying in the middle of the floor. They were in the middle of a series of apartment buildings Goku had constructed in the mountains. Four of them were trying not to notice that one of them had just turned Super Saiyan in her sleep again, and that fifth Saiyan was once again whispering “Go down!” to her power level like a boy in class trying to hide a boner.

Eventually, she felt a few pairs of eyes on her, and decided there was no point hiding it now.

“Hey... Salta?” The blonde-haired Saiyan girl of sixteen years in the room's bottom-right bed quietly asked the woman above her. Her golden hair was like the typical Super Saiyan's, except it pointed downwards and reached her back in length.

“Yeah, Tunnip?” A grey-haired 55-ish-looking MILF with watermelon-sized tits that would have been way hotter on someone younger tiredly asked, keeping her eyes closed. The high-class Saiyan's hair was like Vegeta's, but she had two additional shorter sets of spikes pointing away from her head, to the upper left and upper right.

“Do you still... think about what we saw? Down there?” Tunnip asked nervously,

“Having nightmares again, are we?” A twenty-something woman with brown Goku-like hair and tiny B-cups asked, lying seductively on the other bed's bottom bunk while grinning.

“Eat a dick, Olove.” She growled, turning away from her. And then, as if possessed by a new force, she turned back around. “Sorry, that was uncalled for.”

“It's fine. Showing concern like this feels weird to me, too.” Olove shrugged, face returning to 'resting bitch face' position. “The old me from back in the day would have laughed at you for hours... And now, whenever I try and sound concerned and kind, I feel like I'm terrified whoever I talk to will think I'm mocking them. I don't even know how to look concerned. No matter how much I wish I did.”

“Isn't it weird that we're so open with our feelings now?” Pinot, a red velvet-haired Super Saiyan God of twenty years asked herself, crimson eyes staring at the ceiling, her long, elegant high-class shoulder-length curls swaying slightly even now, still glad the new power wasn't doing anything similar with her watermelon-tier breasts. “We're all so d- ffff... We're all so honest now... and whenever I hear someone admit how bad he or she has it, I still feel the urge to look down on him or her for being so lame and admitting it instead of doing something about it in private. But there's this new urge, to hug the person and try and make it better, but I have no idea what to do. Or say.”

“Yeah, yeah, we're all fudged- GOSH DARN IT- We're all messed up.” Olove said, rolling her eyes, and then looking back to Tunnip. “You were saying?”

“I was thinking about what we saw in hell, and it just... isn't fair.” Tunnip said, lying back on her bed, gazing off into the distance while looking at the bed above her. ”He were led off the path of righteousness by Prince Vegeta's bastard of a great grandfather, King Vegeta, who started this trend of moral degeneracy in us all. This... downward spiral. By his command, we went from proud warriors to rabid mutts. Prince Vegeta and his father tried to stop it, but they weren't enough. The damage had been done, to our culture, and ourselves. The pure hearts said to have allowed us to turn Super Saiyan were forever lost to us, and to cope, we told ourselves the Super Saiyan was a myth.”

“Yeah, and we're sent to hell for growing up on a planet where it was beat the weak or look weak and get beaten.” Salta muttered. ”Then get thrown in the stocks for 'Disturbing the peace' by 'Starting' a kickpile. I know, it's unfair. But maybe now that King Goku's a god, he can fix the heavens. And find whoever's fault us going to hell was, and bring him to us.”

“Speaking of past generations, why wasn't anyone older than myself brought back?” Salta wondered.

“That's a question for King Goku The Wise.” Olove snarked, and then paused. “I swear, that was supposed to sound genuine.”

“On a brighter note...” The Saiyan on the floor spoke up, a woman with black hair that perfectly mirrored Raditz. “I found a human husband.”

There was a round of cheerful and honest congratulations-es.

“Great job, Corno! Is he strong?” Tunnip congratulated.

“He's an Accountant.” Corno explained.

“What is that?” Salta asked.

“He's a human who works for other, richer humans. He helps them keep track of what they spend money on, and he gets paid for it.”

“Like a royal treasurer!” Salta recognized.

“Yeah! It's weird how many humans on this planet have so much money. I thought they were kidding when they said they vote for their rulers on this planet, but if they're all high-class humans, I guess that's the only way they can keep a stable government going.”

“We've been talking about having children.” Corno boasted. “I fff... I ended him rightly last night.”

“When you haven't even officially moved out yet?” Tunnip asked.

“You've only known each other for a few days!” Salta said in disgust.

“I know!” Corno said dreamily. “The humans on this planet can be such fast-moving creatures in... certain areas. He's so romantic...”

“So, when are the kids due?” Olove asked.

“Kid. Just one daughter, for now.” Corno said.

“Really? Weird. Is that a human thing, or does your family do that a lot?” Olove asked.

“I think it's the former. Didn't King Goku only get one human out of his dumb human wife?” Corno wondered.

“A real piece of work, in every way, isn't she?” Salta wondered. “Whatever she sees in him, I'll never know. So, Corno, what are you naming your childre- child?”

“Well, my husband likes the name June-” Corno admitted.

“The fffff- What kind of name is that?” Pinot asked, trying to swear again. “That isn't even a fuhuhuh, a fffff... a fuuuu... a real food.”

“Exactly! I know he's named Julias, but I told him: If she's going to be named after any stupid earth months, it'll be May.” Corno said firmly.

“Like Mayo!” Pinot said in delight. ”Ah, I love mayo.”

“Me too! I put it on my oats every day.” Corno boasted.

“I prefer peanut butter.” Tunnip said.

“You put peanut butter on your oats?” Salta asked in disgust. “Wouldn't that clump them together?”

“Yes, and I love it when they do.” Tunnip declared.

Olove burst into laughter. “That's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard!” She sang, and then paused. “...Why can I pass judgement on THAT?”

“Maybe because you don't really feel that strongly about it?” Corno guessed.

“Great. I can only be my usual bitter self when I'm pretending to be myself for a joke. Hooray for bitter parodies!” Olove sighed.

“Well... want to train together in the Time Chamber?” Salta suggested.

“Yes!” Pinot cried. ”I could beat all of you four on one with this power.”

“Is that a challenge?” Corno asked with a wide grin.

“Indeed.” Pinot said, waggling her eyebrows.

“Kid,” Salta said, phasing through the wall and waiting for them to fly out the window normally. They flew into a nearby floating black orb, and appeared in a blank white void, its floor marked with long black lines, like a chessboard with only white squares. “School is now in session.”

 


	6. A Boy

Many months later...

Future Trunks arrived, killed the shit out of King Cold and Cooler as they arrived on earth, and then he wondered why Goku was so strong he could literally taste it, why he was dressed in the royal Saiyan king's armour, why his hair was blue, why he had assloads of golden-haired Saiyans around him, why a blue-haired Vegeta was sitting on a floating throne made of gold, carried by Super Saiyan women whose outfits were like standard Saiyan armour suits, but without shoulders or any armour below the crotch, to emphasize their remarkable musculature in a way that got his heart racing, and would hopefully give him something to dream about besides nightmares about the Androids.

He also wondered why Goku was wearing a golden crown with many clear crystal jewels, and why only the one on the front was colored purple.

And why Vegeta's angry eyes weren't angry, like they were in his mother's only pic of him.

“Sorry, wrong timeline.” Trunks said, getting back into his time machine and zooping away through time and space.

Goku wondered what Trunks's deal was, and immediately learned everything about it and how time worked.

That night, Goku Instant-Transmissioned away and used the Namekian Dragon Balls to wish for a time-travelling and space-travelling machine of his own with infinite energy, so he could go back in time whenever he wanted, and then he wished for an infinitely regenerating meat feast pizza with Senzu Beans on top, and he wished for Beerus and anyone pure-hearted he ever killed and any of their planets Beerus ever destroyed to all collectively be reborn with a pure heart. He couldn't ask the Dragon to only purify Beerus's heart, since he'd need a separate wish for that. Anyway, King Kai liked that a lot. Then he used his blue box-shaped time machine to go back in time by 70 years and use his planet's Dragon Balls to wish for his Power Level to be increased by 10,000 three times. He'd changed something, so this created a new timeline. Then he hopped back into his time machine, and appeared in an alternate timeline where he hadn't done this yet. He did it again, and repeated the cycle until his natural power level rested at a very respectable 23 billion. And that was before Super Saiyan multipliers, or his infinitely-increase-able Kaioken shenanigans.

Ten hours later, Goku went back home to his original timeline, and he used a Hyperbolic Time Chamber, which he decided to rename to “A Timeball”, to spend hours writing a book all about time and how it worked and stuff. He rushed the book, since he already knew everything about how it would go and how it'd end, and he rushed the book as much as he could. He then learned how to publish books, and paid a publisher a few assloads of Zeni he'd taken in taxes from his peacefully-working-on-earth-as-cops Saiyan race. Though his vocabulary was still childish and inelegant, he spoke of his thoughts on time and its functions and the many multiverses out there with such certainty, he quickly became one of the best-selling authors of all time.

He also threw his newfound money at Piccolo until he decided to officially make a store in the mountains selling Namekian-fashion clothing made by Clothes Beaming people, because Piccolo was kinda down after failing the driver's license test Goku aced. Surprising them both, it was insanely popular amongst humans and Saiyans who'd befriended or were married to humans(That is, Saiyans who'd had the appeal of owning multiple sets of clothing less protective than Saiyan battle armour explained to them by humans) alike.

When Chichi awoke and he'd explained everything to her, she was a far happier and richer woman, and she decided to show her pleasure by giving some to him.

He gave her octuplets in return, and this made him decide a “Surprise family getaway” to a Timeball would be the best thing for his family and extraordinarily pregnant wife.

Several days had passed, and while she occasionally wrote letters for him to teleport to a post office on earth, she liked it here. And so did Gohan, who clearly needed a break after all that “The Saiyans are coming!” stress, and the shock of seeing his dad kill the fuck out of Freeza and his troops. Right now, the kid was playing in the sand, making sandcastles. Just... regular sandcastles. Really damn nice ones, but still sandcastles, like a regular kid.

He was glad being financially set for life had finally made his wife's high-strung ass settle down and release its grip on her higher-strung vocal cords, metaphorically speaking. He was glad she could now boast to her dumb friends about being married to the world's first self-taught theoretical physicist. And he was glad something about being ended rightly by a happy and more loveable woman caused him to give her more genetic material to work with, because as Vegeta had said long ago, a true king had many, many kids, and the Planet Vegeta world record for kids belonged to his father, at 57.

Vegeta also said thise kids should fight to the death like he had when he(the king's youngest) turned ten, but Goku decided that tradition needed to be softened into “They fight until KO and whoever wins the big fight is the coolest”. Vegeta also said Goku was supposed to take multiple wives, then promote whichever one gave him the kid-battle winner to “His Queen”, giving her authority over the other wives and the right to order them out of bed and “Take over” at will, but he didn't feel like doing that either.

Besides, Goku had pointed out, Vegeta didn't do that with Bulma.

Vegeta responded that Bulma was clearly a Scientist Human, not a Warrior Human, so “Letting her” and their son go through that would be “An insult to the tradition”.

Goku added, Chichi could easily crush any other woman on the planet, and any Saiyan woman could easily crush Chichi, so it'd be pointless anyway. And he liked her.

A little.

Even though she tricked him into marriage back when he didn't even know what that was, and then repeatedly abused him while forcing unsustainable and unhealthy workloads onto Gohan and discouraging him from becoming a heroic and moral Saiyan.

Meh, getting a divorce would be super sad on Gohan, and he didn't want to put his kid through that. Besides, he was a Saiyan, so he could always get new wives. She still hadn't figured out that he'd gotten smarter, so he could just play dumb and pretend he 'Accidentally' got married to a bunch of better wives. She tricked him into 'Accidentally' marrying him, so it would be karmic justice. He was sure he could get wives that were ALWAYS nice, not just when they felt like they had to be. And if he kept them off-planet, maybe on that nice new planet he was going to construct for his Saiyan species some day, his main wife's dumb status-obsessed friends would never have to know. Anyway...

Gohan wasn't too happy about being pulled away from his studies, or the many surprisingly-kind Saiyan girls his age who wanted to get in the kid's good graces while he was still young (Without doing anything serious to him, of course, the Saiyan mating age was 15 and all Saiyans instinctively hated pedos so much, it made it difficult for many families to express affection for their own children before that age, as nobody wanted to look like or feel like a creep. It was a good thing a purified heart helped you see the best in yourself and others, and see, feel, and recognize honest love, as that helped a lot with this generations-old problem).

He was a god in this Timeball's world, but he hid it for the sake of his wife's mental state, which she'd tied to his son's happiness. She thought they were at some “Untraceable dimension's private spa resort”. The Timeball constructed all of this for him, and he made her the happiest woman from earth.

Not the happiest woman on earth, that title belonged to Bulma, who Vegeta had been rightfully ending non-stop since he'd heard about Goku's many kids from Piccolo.

In this nice-ass resort, with infinite food and perfect oceans, the family did a lot of bonding, and some training. Goku even taught them both how to Kaioken, something Vegeta still couldn't get down. He told them both to never go over Kaioken times four, and he'd be sure to make Gohan immortal next time he had access to Dragon Balls. That way, his kid could be infinitely strong, just like King Goku. He'd still have the God of Destruction powers, so he'd still be stronger... Not that he cared. He loved his son, and wanted him to surpass him.

And kick the asses of two threats destined to threaten his earth very soon.

 


	7. A Cell Of A Time

No.

Not Cell.

No, not even Perfect Cell.

Fucking Perfect Cell, who had already absorbed the Androids, every last one, under the eyes of Doctor Jiro, except the red-haired one that actually WAS an Android, a metal man with AI and no flesh, rather than the misnomered Cyborgs/Human Souls In Robot Bodies or whatever they were, and thus he couldn't be absorbed. The red-haired one was destroyed, and a furious Doctor Jiro found himself absorbed by his own creation, his desire to make Goku suffer becoming a part of the truly perfected greenless black and white beast.

Fucking Perfect Cell, with cells from gods, every Saiyan on the planet, truly unlimited stamina and regeneration, undetectable energy, and the ability to go Super Saiyan God. And Super Saiyan God Super Saiyan, after Goku and Vegeta had figured that one out. Or, as Goku had recently decided to call it, Super Cyan.

And Bio-Beerus, artificially cloned by the remnants of Freeza's empire. Because OF COURSE they'd do something like this, taking a furious being that, while stripped of his divine ki, was still a Super Buu-Crushing threat without it.

There was even some big buff guy named Bio Broly nobody recognized, who claimed to be a Legendary Super Saiyan, and when all three of these beasts shrugged off Simultaneous Kamehamehas from the New Saiyan Kingdom at the same time, it seemed Legendary could apply to each one.

These three monsters... could have done some real damage to King Goku, if he didn't put them in locked Timespheres due to open up some time after this universe's heat death and subsequent big bang happened sixty times over, though that time would be multiplied for these two monsters by some unholy number, a number programmed to double with each passing real-world second.

Next time he went back in time and used a set of Namekian Dragon Balls, he used them to wish for the unlimited ability to alter and negate and create boundaries, the limited ability to create life, and the ability to negate anything at will. Then he removed the limits on those two abilities, and went back in time to wish for the ability to make any pocket work like a small bag of infinite Senzu Beans, the ability to make his negations and manipulations and alterations and attacks take priority over anything else ever, even other negations and manipulations and alterations and attacks, and the ability to go Instant Transmission through time and space at will.

Right as he was about to take his time machine back home, three people showed up. A nervous Supreme Kai of Time, backed up by an older Future Trunks and a charcoal-black male Freeza Clansman with a blue Freeza head-pearl-thing, his body coated in bone-white armour. He was about to ask who they were, but then he learned who they were. That, however, only left him with MORE questions, and wanting to know the answers to these questions gave him those answers, and many more questions about the context regarding each piece of information flowing into his head. In under a second, Goku had learned absolutely everything about everything involving The Supreme Kai of Time, this Freeza Clansman, his family, the world he came from, his friendship with Future Trunks, the world they came from, the world he specifically came from... He learned fact that the Freezanian was the product of a Dragon Ball wish, and how he was being controlled by the soul of a being from another universe, a being who now wished he owned a capture card, whatever that was, because nobody would ever believe that some OC Goku had just hijacked what he'd, until now, assumed was a regular mission. He even learned what moves the Freezanian had bought with TP Medals today, and wondering about what moves that store and the other stores in Conton City sold allowed him to learn every move the Time Patrol had to offer, including moves he shouldn't even be able to know. Even every variation of the custom moves that would be featured in Dragon Ball Xenoverse 3 found themselves nestled neatly in his brain, his number of moves rising even now, numbering in the billions cubed multiplied by trillions cubed. Far too many of those millions were taken up by moves with Death or Dikk in the name. Why were so many DBXV3 users so uncreative with names, and why did the anti-profanity filter only filter out the correct spellings of profanities? He also gained every Z-Soul, even custom Z-Souls that featured in DBXV3 and were designed to encourage multiple playthroughs by letting max-level characters turn themselves into Z-Souls for the other characters of their players, equipping the positive effects of each one at the same time by mentally minmaxing the hell out of them all to create one god-tier Z-soul. Now, separate from his incredible and theoretically infinite power level, he had countless multiplicatively-stacking multipliers on his attack damage, ki blast damage, health and stamina and ki regeneration rate, and so much more. And an immunity to Kamehamehas, for some reason.

“Hi, I'm Goku!” Goku said cheerfully. After all the wonderful information they'd given him, being friendly seemed like an even nicer thing to do than it usually did. “I mean, I'm King Goku, of Earth and the New Saiyan Kingdom. And God of Destruction, and best-selling author. What seems to be the problem, Supreme Kai of Time?”

“Um... Could you please stop messing with time? It damages the stability of the timestream by creating additional timelines we have to rectify. Every time you change something tiny in the past, even if it's changing what location the Dragon Balls are scattered from, you create new timelines with their own unpredictable changes.”

”My partner and I already had to fight a timeline in which King Piccolo laid several eggs and had them all Fusion Dance in pairs that found new pairs until only the Ultimate Namekian was left.” Future Trunks admitted. “We almost died several times... It was so bad, we had to turn it into a raid boss, and summon a whole third of the active Time Patroller force!”

The Freezanian, “IesbawXXX”, nodded, because he could not speak.

“That does sound bad. Here, let me make up for it.” Goku said, Instant Transmissioning into many, many different timelines in a row, hijacking every mission and attacking whoever the absurdly-dressed alternate-universe-soul-controlled “Time Patrollers” were attacking. His newest Ki Attack, the Ultra Fast x10 Kamehameha, was actually ten thin Kamehamehas fired from his fingertips and thumbs, and it made taking out multiple opponents easy. For some reason, a ton of enemies went down to his attacks, and then got up stronger, only to get taken out by another Ultra Fast x10 Kamehameha. It just seemed like a pointless gimmick to artificially extend the time it took to beat the enemies in this universe, and after the first twenty, he grew tired and decided to permanently HAKAI any movie characters, which helped, since these timelines seemed obsessed with those generic forgettable samey brutes. He began to prioritize universes with unreasonably strong opponents, leaving behind the canon characters and taking out any gaudy OCs, but only if they had a dumb purple glow around him so he could tell them apart from the other gaudy OCs.

When he'd helped 2500 Time Patrollers, clearing out over half of the Time Patrol's backlog, he Instant Transmissioned back to The Supreme Kai of Time.

“Does that make up for it?” Goku wondered.

“Um... Yes!” She said, starting to shake a little. For one such as this to wield such might so casually... “We might need your help again if the number of timelines you create goes above the number of timelines you helped rectify, but until then, we promise not to bother you!”

They hightailed it out of there – Literally, in the Freezanian's case, who he now realized was female.

But since he couldn't tell the difference between male and female Freezanians, besides what he saw on that black one, he wondered if Freeza was actually a woman this whole time...

Nah, that'd be crazy. ...Right? Besides, he didn't object when he was called a he, so he must have been a guy.

Heading back to his own universe, he found a bunch of his cheering Saiyans crowding around a grey-haired Saiyan woman named Salta, who'd figured out some kind of Remote Viewing technique that let her show everyone what was happening in Cell's timesphere on a massive 4000-inch illusionary screen. At a reasonable-ish speed, slowed down so they saw everything happening at 4x speed, rather than an uncertainly high number of speeds.

King Goku saw Cell, alone in a white void, fighting a single female Saiyan, who was losing badly.

“Kick his ass, Pinot!” A Saiyan man with Goku's hairstyle shouted.

“Dodge!” A Namekian yelled, tightly squeezing the hand of the female Saiyan he was dating.

“You've been at this for days, just finish him already!” Salta snapped.

Goku took a closer look at the Saiyan woman... She looked about twenty, with a Super Cyan blue aura, but her hair... her elegantly curled shoulder-length locks were the red velvet color of a Super Saiyan God's hair, but her curled tips were coated in a pale bone-white, like a white-blooded alien's blood might coat the tips of recently-used swords. Her eyes were a piercing Super Cyan blue, and her clothes... She'd traded in her regular Saiyan battle armour for a red-velvet copy of Goku's Gi, but with a gold belt and no undershirt, revealing most of her watermelon-tier chest. But somehow, despite how intensely and wildly she was fighting the far faster and stronger and more durable Cell, the loose fabric of her Gi never once revealed her actual... Well, “Points” was the least inappropriate thing Goku could remember hearing Master Roshi call them.

It looked pretty good on her, Goku realized, and it made him miss his own Gi. He decided that when he was done with Cell and Bio-Beerus and Bio Broly, killing them just in case and then reviving them with pure hearts for the heck of it, he'd ask world-renowned fashion designed Piccolo to make him something that combined the most important parts of the Royal Saiyan armour with his old Gi.

“What happened?” King Goku demanded.

“That idiot girl!” Vegeta snapped. “She thought she could impress you if she went into Cell's ball-prison and defeated him for you!”

“SHE WHAT?!” Goku gasped. He couldn't imagine any of his own Saiyans winning this fight, even with a Super Saiyan God transformation!

“She thinks she's so special, just because she's mastered ki control to the point where she can dictate what happens to her hair when she transforms. But she's a fool! She's nothing, nothing at all!” Vegeta growled. “Cell's going to devour her... And anyone besides you who goes in will meet the same fate!”

Goku could tell the emotionally-stunted man was just torn up inside over being powerless to save a Saiyan woman, even if it was one he'd literally never interacted with. He only knew of her transformation mastery thanks to Salta answering that question when he asked it. He looked back at the fight, and prepared to teleport inside it. But with how fast things were happening inside of it, he disappeared instantly, but didn't reappear on Salta's Saltscreen. Not yet, not for a long time.

In the fight the Saiyans were now watching with even more cheering, as if lives weren't in danger at all, Pinot was losing badly.

No, that just didn't cover it. Not with enough intensity.

Pinot was getting her ass pounded so hard her whole family could feel it. Cell was brutal and merciless, slamming the defeated warrior's face down on the ground hard enough to bounce her whole body off it. Countless tiny scratches and scuffs adorned her body, her clothes gaining small rips, and if this wasn't rated E for Everyone, her whole face would be a bloody mess.

Fucking Perfect Cell flipped through the air and axe-kicked her back into the ground, chest-first, causing additional pain. A cruel smirk on his face, he picked her up by her precious red and white hair and slammed her beautiful face into his perfect knee again, and again, and again.

As if discarding a used candy wrapper, Fucking Perfect Cell threw the fighter to the ground, and stepped on her chest, not her stomach, but her chest, hard enough to make her cough up a splatter of blood.

With the last of her stamina, she roared and performed a Super Saiyan God Kaioken times 40, and she felt the burning energy rupture the fuck out of her blood vessels and veins even as her muscles tensed themselves hard enough to hurt and begin to crack her bones. Screaming, she flew right at Cell, ready to put her all into one final punch to his smug, stupid little face, killing herself and him with enough ki-enhanced explosive force to liquefy both their bodies.

Fucking Perfect Cell disappeared, and when her Kaioken ran out and left her with no stamina and a body overwhelmed with pain, he reappeared behind her. “Nothing personal, kid!” He said cheerfully, chopping her neck hard enough to cancel her transformation and make her collapse to the ground, paralyzed by his ki.

“Well, it's been fun.” Fucking Perfect Cell continued, his short evolutionary leftover of a tail extending from his rear and rearing up to strike her like the tail of a scorpion, its incredibly phallic tip made worse by its bee-like stinger. It was like a poorly-drawn condom was covering something that could make horses nervous. “And don't get me wrong, I wouldn't mind beating you down for the rest of eternity. With pride like yours, toying with you would be hilarious! But I'm quite certain that once I absorb you, I'll have enough power to break this artificial dimension, and get back to the only person in this universe that matters: Goku.”

She grit her teeth and glared at him, and he mockingly placed his tail's spiked tip on her face, its sharp tip slightly piercing her cheek and drawing blood, which he smeared across her face.

“What are you going to do... Put that thing inside me?” Pinot growled. “Good luck. I'll crush you, one way or another. And when my ki returns and I get back up, I won't hold back any more.”

Fucking Perfect Cell grinned. “Oh, you precious little child... _I'm_ not going inside _you_ ,” He said, and somehow, that unnerved her even more. The tail expanded and engulfed her stoic form whole, and he took sick pleasure in sucking her in slowly, walls of slick muscle working her in slowly like a giant weaponized reverse-colon. She used what was left of her ki to overheat her body, making him scream in pain for the first time that day. He furiously discarded his original plan, to be as fucking disgusting as possible, and he forced his cocktail to swallow her whole, and quickly, the massive bulge travelling up his tail and into his body, described in as little detail as possible because Cell is the most disgusting fetish meme character of all time and I honestly can't believe the Japs considered him SFW enough for a kid's saturday morning cartoon. Even now. Then again, a song called “Muh Sex Junk” was sang to kids on Netflix, so I guess my tastes are just old-fashioned. Which sounds strange, when you consider that I'm a pony-loving degenerate. If modernity considers that comparatively prudish, maybe that kind of modernity wasn't a good idea. Moving on!

A pale white light emerged from Fucking Perfect Cell's mouth, ears, and eyes. Bright green ki burned around him as his power level surged high enough to give a power-scaling expert an aneurysm from how hard this was making him, “Yes... I can feel it!” Fucking Perfect Cell announced to the empty white void as his green, blue, and red velvet ki grew to fill it. “My power is rising... Overflowing!”

“I feel... Incredible!”

“I feel great! I can win! I! Can! Do! This!” He roared, his power building further, to his confusion. ”HAAAAAAAAAAAAA- Wait, do what? What can I do?”

He began to glow more, and the white light began to blind him and consume his skin. “WHAT AM I DOING? WHAT IS THIS? WHY CAN'T I CONTROL-”

He fucking exploded.

And in his place, there was a new being.

An absolutely hideous beast of green skin and black carapace screamed as its emerging body parts tried to stretch out and break away from the patchwork mass of multicoloured flesh and fur the rest of its body became, every cell in its body carrying its own individual sentience and hellish existence, each one screaming into an uncaring void as each one was consumed by divine ki.

A hideous green and white body that grabbed its chest and face and tore away chunks of flesh, scattering green blood to the wind as it rejected its body and reformed once again.

Minute after agonizing minute, the process repeated for Cell, until he finally formed enough of his mouth to scream, and that was the last of him as he melted one last time.

From the pile of primordial ooze, a green and black creature evolved, its ki reshaping its own cells at will. From insectoid, to animalistic, to humanoid, it expanded into spikes like a sea urchin before collapsing into itself again.

Its cells took a new form, humanoid, like a bone-white-fleshed silhouette of Semi-Perfect Cell, its tail expanding and bulging.

And then it took a dump. A big, brown dump tainted with smears of green, and as it gratuitously shat onto the empty void's floor, its insectoid traits began to recede and regress back into its body, like it was a doll losing its stuffing. Its crown, its exoskeletal armour, even its own musculature receded until a feminine and purely human form was left.

It took a step forward. It took another step forward. And it silently screamed as Perfect Cell's pointed crown tore out of its forehead, and the whole body became what was essentially Perfect Cell, only female. Very strong and female, for it had clearly absorbed enough of Pinot's chest mass and toned physique. She even seemed a cup size bigger than the Saiyan woman's, which the abomination found herself feeling rather proud of.

She moulted, revealing the same pale whitish colour as the rest of Cell's skin, and new armour formed to replace it. Her feminine arms and hands turned black, as though covered by evening gloves, and her upper arms gained armour that pointed upwards, drawing attention to her bare white shoulders. Black carapace formed over the sides of her chest and her back, while leaving her abs visible. Another carapace formed over her chest, like a natural strapless bra for the nude woman, preventing her from bouncing. Her tail shrunk and became a vestigial part of her lower back once again. A crown, like Perfect Cell's, formed around her head's top. Her pale legs turned black, as if they were covered by yoga pants, but only the feet gained thick exoskeletal armour, like boots. Boots, yoga pants, some strange variation of a bikini, a strapless bra...She really was quite the looker, for a pale-skinned monster.

“Yes...” A husky female voice spoke with Cell's tone and cadence, as Cell proudly looked over her new form. “She certainly didn't make this easy, but I must say... She definitely made it worth it. But what should I call myself?”

“Well, that depends.” Cell suddenly responded to herself, camera whipping around the other way. ”What is above Cell, Semi-Perfect Cell, Imperfect Cell, Perfect Cell, and even Fucking Perfect Cell?”

“That is a good question.” Cell said to herself. “I suppose I could stick another adjective on the front... Super Perfect Cell? Ultimate Perfect Cell? Perfectly Ultimate Super Cell?”

“No, that name isn't good enough. There's a name above that, I'm certain.” Cell said, folding her arms.

“How does Perfectly Ultimate Super Cell sound?” Cell wondered.

“No, no word salad can express how perfect this is.” Cell said, chuckling.

“Yes, this body requires a new name, not a rehashed version of an old name. How does... 'Excella' sound?” Cell asked herself.

“I have a better idea. How about Pinot?” Cell asked, to her shock, and she fired a one-handed kamehameha at her own head. When it regenerated, a proud smile adorned her face, and red-velvet ki blazed around her body.

“FUCK, YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!” The voice of Pinot roared, her crown shattering to reveal a pale bald head that accessed its stored DNA and regrew Pinot's curled black hair, which became a spiralling mass of gold, a longer spiralling mass of gold, an even longer spiralling mass of gold five feet in diameter, and then, it returned to her original curled black. Red ki flared around her, bringing her to her Super Saiyan God state, and the her hair turned blue, revealing her Super Cyan state. While it took a little more focus than usual, she still managed to pick and choose how her transformed hair looked. Soon enough, her hair looked as it had looked before: Spiralling red curls with white tips. Her pale skin gained its old color, looking like normal flesh once again. Accessing the memories stored in the absolute clusterfuck her DNA had become, she pointed to her body with her right finger, and a Clothes Beam gave herself her old Gi, a red-velvet copy of Goku's Gi, with a golden belt and no undershirt as always. However, there was a new twist. Replacing Goku's Turtle-School chest-symbol was a black-edged white circle with 王 on it in black, the Japanese moon rune for King. It could also mean Rule, as in the rule of the King. After all, she was a loyal servant of King Goku. And on her back, in a big black-edged white circle that took the spot of Goku's “Kai” symbol, there was 完, the Japanese moon rune for Kan, which meant “Perfection”, “Completion”, and “End”.

“Pinot!” Goku yelled, appearing in the white void, finally. He looked around, and when he saw her, he immediately knew everything.

“It's me, Pinot!” She shouted, her regressed tail reflexively squirting out the last cells with Cell's consciousness behind her in a big green puddle. “Cell tried to absorb me, and it backfired. I have his body now, but stronger, because it gained my cells and power.”

The puddle sloppily moved to the rest of the green shit and formed back into the original Cell, before he'd absorbed the Androids or anyone else. “My... perfect body!” He hissed hatefully, tail lashing around, his mediocre ki going wild. “Give it back!”

“Never!” Pinot roared with ferocity that surprised herself as she charged up her power and fired a big, dense pink energy ball with a black core with a cry of “Chaser!”, a ball that flew at Cell, drilling a hole through his chest, and he jumped back just in time for it to turn around and vertically strike down on where he'd stood a second ago. It exploded when it hit the ground, the ball's unleashed ki stunning him.

Pinot casually raised two handfuls of energy into the air, upper arms to the sides and elbows bent up. Huge beams suddenly tore out from both at once with a casual shout of “Takagari!”, wild red velvet ki beams with a stronger white horizontal beam in the center. She blasted away the lower half of Cell's body, and began charging her power more while he began regenerating. Trying harder, she fired a “Shin Takagari!”, which was the same thing as the regular Takagari only bigger and stronger and the beam was red-velvet with a golden core.

And it was fucking epic.

The beam lasted for almost a full minute, and it wiped away every last trace of Cell.

Then he regenerated again somehow and Goku killed him with a Helldeath Turbokiller, which was basically an instant one-handed massive and wide kamehameha that fired before you were done charging and firing it. It was only a fifth as strong as a real Kamehameha, but with his stats, it was still enough to kill pretty much anything.

“Cool!” Pinot said. Her instincts screamed at her to absorb him, but she knew attempting that would kill her. Also, she didn't want to do that. She liked her new King. He was way nicer than the old one.

“So, should I call you Super Pinot now?” Goku wondered. “Or... Ultra Pinot? Super Kami Pinot?”

Pinot shook her head. “Just Pinot is fine, your majesty.”

“I told you, you don't have to call me that.” Goku said.

“Yes, my Lord.” Pinot said. “I don't want any ostentatious titles like that monster, Cell. I don't want to call myself Perfect Pinot. Or even Perfect Pinot Excella. Just going by Pinot will be enough for me. With the addition of the name of whatever form I'm in. For example, this is my Super Cyan form.”

“But your hair is red, with white bits.” Goku pointed out.

“Yes, I spent days meditating to achive ki control this fine, because I really like red and white hair.” Pinot shrugged. "I suppose Cyan isn't a fitting name for it... Super Pinot, then." She decided with a smile. Then she breathed in and angrily screamed for a second, tearing open a big green hole in time and space. “After you, my King.”

They fucked off out of there and returned home, to a massive applause, countless Saiyans and their friends and family having been there for the past week, along with multiple food vendors cooking food, and shipping companies delivering already-edible food to the ravenous Saiyans.

"What did he do to you?" Salta quietly asked.

“OH MY GOD, SHE'S **SO! HOT!** ” One male Saiyan with gold downwards spikes for hair roared, and his friends whipped their heads around to look at him in shock.

“Dude, she's like, part Cell now.” His friend commented in disgust. “Doesn't that make her used goods?”

“No way! He didn't get inside her, she got inside him, and fffffff... messed him up from the inside so bad, she got to wear his skin around her body, like a helmet made from an Argoznian skull, but better! And that? That's pretty brutal.”

His friends nodded, and decided she didn't look so bad after all.

“Pinot, are you sure you're going to be alright with that new body?” Goku quietly asked.

“I can make it look enough like my old body for me. I'll be fine. Anything I carry over from Cell's twisted form is just a trophy I can keep around, like a severed head mounted above a fireplace.” Pinot decided.

“You aren't going to lose control and go on a Saiyan-absorbing rampage, now, right?” Goku asked.

“Perish the thought! My loyalty to you and the Saiyan kingdom is absolute!” Pinot said, saluting him. And then a big blush formed on her face, and she started to talk like a nervous girl on her first date. “Of course, it would be wonderful if you'd let me absorb the two-”

“Great!” Goku said cheerfully, and then the Saiyan girls from Pinot's room grabbed her and pulled her away from him, all of them talking too rapidly for him to keep up without relying on his “Know anything I want” ability.


End file.
